I feel the pending swell of fear that has in the past threatened to sweep me away from myself and into a painful hell I can see no escape from. But, here now, somehow, the tender pain emerging in my heart is a blessing.
Although ayahuasca intimidates me and I have no inclination to deify it, somehow today its memory feels like the warm safe arms of a cosmic mother whose very touch tells my body it's ok to let go, it's ok to feel what's true: a clustering storm of all the suffering pain hurt fear sadness and grief and all the other darkness I, and all those I care about have passed though is a reason for a profound gratitude for being alive.
My soul prostrates to reality and I breathe the full emotional presence of humanity and I hurt and I know that because I hurt I am alive and life is a gift. For in the midst of all that I have suffered through I have also come to know love and joy and I couldn’t have had them without the suffering of life and so I pray and cry with gratitude for the suffering. I thank for all that it has shown me about what it means to be vulnerable enough to allow love, true deep powerful love, and to have shared it; to know that I love and that I have never, nor will ever love alone, even when I am by myself.